lisa4berlin's Xanga

Peculiar

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:25:12 GMT

I heard a couple of stories the other day that made my heart heavy.

Stories about bad leadership in YWAM and irresponsible fiancés who leave their love because of their own selfishness and fear.

The kinds of things you hope never will happen to you in ministry and as single person.

As I listened to both stories, I found myself wanting to cry for the girl who told them.

Why do these things happen? Can we see them coming in advance? I would love to protect people and myself from such things.

At the end of her story, I found myself remembering how many times I have failed as a leader. It’s embarrassing to think of the kinds of mistakes I’ve made. I’ve done such a bad job at times.

How I long for forgiveness.

I wonder if the leader who hurt this girl had any clue. I know I unwittingly hurt people without intending to.

The fiancé part….well, I could relate to parts of it. Dashed hopes and dreams. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. I know that too well.

And yet… and yet….

I found myself wondering about it all and remembering how much I have learned over the years through these trying experiences. I could allow these things to harden my heart or I can let them work in me a compassion for people and a heart that is ready to forgive and extend grace as well as humble enough to ask for forgiveness.

I know it’s easier said than done.

But you see… I haven’t signed up for an easy or an ordinary life. If I wanted to live an ordinary life, I wouldn’t be in missions. I would have stayed in my hometown working a regular job and earning a regular pay check. I was good at that. I could have done it. Of course, I would have been bored out of my skull, but it was doable.

And you know…if I wanted to be like normal people, I would hold grudges and avoid pain at all costs and never take risks and wall myself up after being hurt.

But I don’t want to be normal.

The bible says we are a peculiar people.

I quite like that.

I like the idea of being abnormal.

Strange.

Extraordinary.

And I like the idea of walking away from something horrible and painful and terrible and able to find something good that God could make of it.

One day my roommate and I were laughing because we were saying “Our God is a recycling God”. Germans love to recycle. They love to be environmental conscious. And I believe this German trait reflects part of the character of God.

Our God is in the business of using up all the old things and making them usable and new again.

There is nothing wasted. Nothing God cannot redeem.

I love that.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 06:48:36 GMT

What I sense for this new season is God wants to give me friends I can really work with.

In the past I think there have been seasons when my co-workers and me have tolerated each other but not loved each other from our hearts.

Over the years I've realized we can indeed love and even like, yes, you heard me-- like, anyone. God can change our hearts. He can give us real affection for people who annoy us or otherwise wouldn't attract us. It's a God thing. He opens our eyes to see the beauty of the others and we are able to do it.

One of my most important connections to England right now is a leader named Carl. We met when he was speaking in the DTS in Berlin...in late April/or early May. We got along very well from the word "go". It was easy to communicate and understand each other's hearts. I've rarely had that with YWAM leaders but when it happens, it's a gift.

Carl has asked me to work with him on a project recently and I think it's worth repeating here his reasons why he wants to work with me on this project. I will be coordinating worship for a Europe wide event that he is organizing.

So here are his reasons:

i am asking you because,
a. i like you.
b. you are on the same page as me in terms of the future.
c. i think i can work with you
d. you speak a few languages and i keep getting into trouble for being to english centric!
e. i think it will be a laff to work together
f. you are open to new things/styles/edgyness
g. you are also an anointed worship leader, the kind that could probably fart into a microphone and make it sound good.
h. you wear nice scarves
i. your second name is cool
j. i want to profile you more in terms of the region and our corporate future.

Yes, I laughed too. Was a great way to phrase everything. And yes, I do wear nice scarves. With a sense of anticipation, I feel like I'm coming into a season of working with my friends more and more.

God's little encouragements

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 07:06:40 GMT

I went out with a friend on Saturday afternoon who is looking at getting married next year. He's overflowing with excitement and happiness.

At one point he was telling me of his uncertainties and his amazement that he has nothing to give this girl at this point in his life, but still he feels God is working things out. He has faith and hope.

At this point, I felt my heart was caving in with grief.
I couldn't help it.
I couldn't help compare his trust in God with what was lacking in my last relationship.
We were walking around Berlin as we talked, and after a couple of hours I got tired. But my friend didn't notice I didn't want to keep walking. Even when I told him, he still wanted to go here and there...he kept pushing us on.

I was emotionally tired, too.

Because my friend was oblivious to what was going on in me or too happy to care, I said good bye to him It was getting late anyway. He walked me to a station and I went home feeling a bit raw and vulnerable.

On the way to my bike which was parked at Alexanderplatz, I thought I would distract myself a bit since I've been looking for a blue hat. After all, doesn't shopping give one's life meaning?

So I went into a couple of shops in search of a dark blue hat. I found some but none that really 'did it' for me. Maybe it's because I'm overflowing with hair but I've gotten more picky about hats recently.

In the end I found myself wandering into the coat section. I had told myself a few months ago I wanted to get a new coat this year but as I have been looking at all the monthly support I have to raise in the next few months and extra expenses...the question came up for me: do I really need one?

But there it was... a beautiful red coat for only 59 euros. It looked like me. Beautiful collar, big black buttons and double breasted... with a nice belt and fitted sleeves.

I tried it on, and it fit me perfectly. The store had only one left in my size. I called my roommates and asked, "Do you think I should get it?" Both of them said "yes". We had all been praying before about my finances, and they had felt that I would lack for nothing.

So I bought it. And I rode my bike home from the station, lost in my thoughts about the day and all that could have been.

When I got home, both my roommates wanted to see my coat. I brought it out and wore it for them. They both agreed it was the right choice. Then they presented me with a card with some money in it and said they felt to give me some money for it and to show me that God will take care of me.

Now I guess I should explain something. What I was missing when I left my friend was this sense of being "cared for" or "looked after". So my feeling about the coat was that God wanted to cheer me up with it. To show me he is sensitive to those little needs. But I wasn't sure. All my feelings about finances and the future were bothering me and filling me with doubt. But when I got the card from my roommates, it was a confirmation of what God was saying:

I'm here for you. And I know how to give what is good. I'll take care of you.

In the end, it is just a coat. But it represents many things for me as I venture out into the future and come out of the season of ashes.

New Trust for new things...

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:23:54 GMT

“Let it be said of me…that I fully followed you…I held nothing back. I obeyed your call to me…”

God has been calling me. And I’ve been saying “Here I am Lord”

I opened a door when I came to England this month, and I closed a door on what/where/how I thought my life was going to look like one year ago.

Some times life sends major curve balls. God is not surprised and God has a way for everything!

One thing I know for sure is that I can’t hold on to the past and what could have been, but I can take hold of my future and how I respond to unexpected, difficulty and even painful life experiences. I would not have chosen some of the things to happen the way they did, but I can choose my responses in hope, faith and love…

Walking with God is becoming an adventure again.

This past year I feel like God and I took some very important steps together.

God hasn’t always given me the full picture at once but he has given me the faith and the courage to take the necessary risks at just the right times, moving me way out of my comfort zone at times.

I have trusted God to be with me in the darkest of times and places.

Alejandro Rodriguez is one of our YWAM speakers who talks a lot about going into the “Risk Zone”. Putting ourselves in situations and circumstances where god has to come through. Miracles happen when we need then, when we stretch ourselves beyond what is possible for us in our own strength. But that means we venture into areas where we are dependent on God. Loren Cunningham says regularly “I want to lean on God so hard that if he moves I will fall over…”

When I look at the past year, I see now that I have done this over and over again. I’ve put my trust in God repeatedly for practical help.

Some of that had to do with hearing him at the last minute for trips he wanted me to take—to Colombia and England and even more recently to Switzerland. The big question from his side was, “Do you trust me?” And I just said “yes” and went where he wanted me to go.

We did it together.

I have that sense even as I write this. I am at the Harpendon base outside of London today. I had some challenges trying to arrange my housing the past couple of days and yet as I rode up from Midlands, I had a deep sense of peace that it would all work out.

I had heard from God. He was with me in it.

I find the more steps of faith I have taken this past year, the easier it is to keep saying “yes”. To rest in the fact that anything is possible.

God is not limited to my plans and my finances or my ideas of what he can or cannot do.

The next four months will be an adventure. I have to apply for YWAM staff in England, get a visa, find an apartment, buy a car and raise my monthly support significantly. Within all this I am flying to southern Germany, flying back to the United States and having to do all that is required to say “goodbye” in Berlin.

And I have so much grace and peace about it all. I keep thinking it should feel overwhelming.

But I have a sense of freedom and faith in it all. There is a lot to do in it…but I am not worried. There is no stab of fear or worry to steal my joy in the adventure. It feels like God and I are moving out together. He is right here.

There is a smile I have when I look at the future. I don’t kow how or when, but I know that God Is going to provide and make a way.

My hope is in Him.

Turning 40

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 06:19:06 GMT

Lausanne, Stella...

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 07:06:18 GMT

I have trouble sleeping very often. Last night was no exception. I try to avoid sleep aides and enhancers as much as possible but sometimes they are unavoidable.

My sleep disturbances found no reprieve last night, even though I am in one of the most beautiful places in the world: Lausanne, Swtizerland.

I will admit to you, as I visited the YWAM Lausanne base yesterday , I realized I didn’t miss it. I was on staff here for a few years from 2001 to 2005.

Though it was good to see many warm and familiar faces, at the same time, it was no longer home to me.

One thing I did miss were these mountains. The view is enough to make you ache I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like. To wake up every day to that view was a gift to me when I lived here.

This is a bit stream of conscious and I hope you don’t mind.

I’m in Switzerland because a former co-worker of mine, Stella Lauria, passed away on Monday. I couldn’t believe my reaction to her passing. I was really grieved and I was compelled to honor her one last time by coming here. Stella had battled cancer the past four years.

I think what I realized in this process was how often we take people for granted. I don't know if I ever told Stella how much I learned from her and how much I appreciated her.

Stella was only 55.

I think because of the flurry and the business way in which I left Lausanne, I didn’t take time to do things right. I didn’t take time to honor the people who meant something to me.

Stella was a very short (she couldn’t have been more than 5 feet)and feisty Itailian/French/Swiss lady. Her hand movements were Italian, her manner of speaking was French and her formality was Swiss. She was quite a character. She had been in YWAM 31 years and knew more of the history of Lausanne than anyone else I had met there.

Stella and me could be all sweetness and butterflies one moment and the next get into a full blown fight. What I liked about it was that you could be real with Stella. She could take it. She was no wimp.

Stella was the first person who pushed me to lead worship in French. She knew I could do it. She needed a worship leader for a French prayer event and she told me “You can do it! I will help you…come on.” I wish I could give you an imitation of her French accent as she said it. She had the cutest accent ever when she spoke English.

So I recorded her French voice and learned the songs…and even though I was a bit clumsy and nervous, we did it. She was right. I could do it, and we did it together.

One thing I realized when I went into the funeral parlor to see her...I loved Stella’s hands. She had a way of taking your hands in her small ones when you were upset. She had the softest and smoothest hands ever.
And boy…did I go to her when I was upset. There was no one I wanted to talk to more than Stella. She knew how to treat people when they were down. She was the oldest of 12 children and a mother to her siblings.

Though Stella was single, she never gave the impression she was unhappy in it. She was busy living her life.

The French national leader, Denis, told me at the funeral that ten days ago when he saw her in the hospital, she was talking about a summer of service outreach in Strasbourg. She was always talking vision and outreach. She loved the work of God.

When I went to the hospital chapel to see Stella, Tom Panci came in that same morning. Tom has known Stella for more than 20 years and he could tell me some of what happened in Stella’s last days.

He sat with me and we remembered Stella and wept together.
Tom told me three days before she died in the hospital, she said to him, “je vais vivre.”

Amen, Stella.

And you do.

Thanks so much for all you gave and all you did. Your life touched me and your life lives on in me.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 08:48:45 GMT

So I am sitting in this waiting room in Duisburg, a small, unimportant town near the Dutsch border of Germany. I'm minding my own business and reading a book.

I should have taken my clue from a series of people who had exited right before me but I thought they left to catch their train. I noticed a tension in the room.

When everyone left to catch the next train, a man sitting to my left in the corner of the room got up to leave. He had an intense blue stare with bushy eyebrows. As he passed me, he suddenly turned toward me and held a pamphlet to my face and said "Would you like to read something about Jesus?" and I said "I already know Jesus," and I managed a half smile."

The guy said to me in German(we were speaking German)"You don't know Jesus. You're a child of Satan with your necklasses and jewelry..."

I managed indignation at this point when I should have just let the psycho pass on by... I responded.

"I am not a child of Satan. You speak lies. You don't know Jesus..!"

I really got him angry at this point and he started screaming... I told him "be quiet in Jesus Name!" and he told me to be quiet. I was speaking to demons in this guys' eyes. He kept on talking and I looked around wondering if he would attack me and if anyone would help me... I told him "yeah yeah yeah...geh einfach." (Just go).

Finally he did, talking to himself the whole way out about God and satan and heaven and hell, casting judgment and accusing everyone around him. People shook their heads as he walked by and I could tell he was insane.

The scripture that came to my mind about half way through the whole altercation was "don't answer a fool according to his folly" but I guess I was just so mad that a guy would accuse me so.

When he left I felt dirty and slimed. I had to pray for peace and for God to fill the room.

I was thinking how the guy probably knew a lot of scirpture. He knew scripture but he didn't know God. You can know the bible inside out and still be filled with demons. I found the idea a bit chilling. How many churches emphasize bible knowledge over love? How churches are concerned about being right over loving?

Anyway...it was definitely not a nice end to my vacation but a bit sobering.

Where I came from

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 20:36:44 GMT

Ok, so I’ve had my share of embarrassing moments. There was that eight grade science project that was a total disaster. I had no idea what I was doing and my oral presentation was humiliating since I stole something from a book and tried to fake my way through it… I think there's nothing worse than having people hold back laughter at what you're saying...

Then there was the time we were being picked on sides of a softball team in high school and my first high school crush was picking his team. He said “Lisa” and I thought he meant me. My little heart went pitter pat as I stepped forward only to have him say “Ingerski” to specify he didn’t want me but the “other” more athletic Lisa… sigh. The last name “Ingerski” Is forever imprinted in my memory because of this experience.

But the most embarrassing moment, and the one that keeps running through my mind lately, is the first time I had to give a devotional of the bible. My youth pastor was sure I could do it and of course, I didn’t ask him how… He asked me to share something on one of the mornings of a retreat before worship.I think I was 18 and I knew very little about Ephesians but I was trying to talk about how God “predistened” us to be his. It was a topic way over my head and I didn’t prepare enough. I ended up stumbling through the devotional and it was very short. I was humiliated as I realized… I have no idea what I’m taking about. Man, this is harder than what it looks…

I guess what is so impressive about this memory is that it is so far from who I am right now. Many times when I am teaching I tell the students “If I have anything to say to you or pass on to you it’s because I’ve made a lot of mistakes…” All I need to do is pull up memories like this for me to be more sure of that statement.

I guess I’ve learned by doing…very often falling head first and flat on my face. It’s not been pretty.

But look how far we can grow. What it reminds me is that my first try is not the end of the story. What it tells me is to keep believing in people even when they make a mess of things at the start. It encourages me that we all need second and third and even fourth chances…

when i feel like complaining...

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 11:30:44 GMT

I remember my friend Kevin in Ireland whose father just came home drunk last night. He slept in his car to avoid being beaten or abused. Kevin was kicked out of his apartment last week by his psycho roommate who was hitting him and left him bleeding. I met Kevin online and he's one of the smartest kids I know. He is sharp, loves philosophy and science, and is just about one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet. Kevin is fighting to be a student and get his life moving while overcoming huge challenges at the moment...

I remember people like Jerome. I met Jerome in YWAM Herrnhut in the last school when I was teaching. We caught the same trains back to Berlin this last weekend. Jerome is from Sri Lanka. He recounted to me his desire to serve and work in his country. He talked about war in his country and how he is trying to build a team from Germany that will go back and set up a training base in Sri Lanka. He told me a hair-raising story about how he went into a dangerous part of the country and was almost shot. The soldier had a gun pointed at him through the open window of his bus and said to him "I'm going to shoot you" and all Jerome could do was hang his head and pray. Miraculously the bus started moving and he was saved.

I remember the many kids in this city who are neglected and have no guidance at home. My roommate Anne just spent this last week at a Royal Rangers camp with kids from abused and neglected homes. It was challenging to say the least. She had to go to the apartments of some of the kids because the mothers were not able to get their kids on time without help. She also had to take them back to their apartments at the end. She waited with one little boy whose mother was not home when she arrived. She reassured him "I'm sure she'll be home any minute..." Anne had to call her. She took a picture of the broken down and dirty place where this lonely boy plays.

I remember the people I see on the streets who can't walk or care for themselves. They are dependent on other people to live and to eat and to take care of themselves. What freedom we have and what health we have! God has given us so much!

I remember that I was born into a country that has not known war on its soil for generations.

I remember that I have had a good education and opportunities that 80 percent of the world does not have.

When I am tempted to complain, I remember how good God has been to me. He continues to be good.

To which city am I going?

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 08:58:53 GMT

When I first joined staff with YWAM in Hawaii, my dad was convinced that I would see through my two year commitment and then come home.

I remember him saying to my mom, "She'll get tired of this life after two years and come back here"

Fifteen years later, here I am...and I never went home.

Honestly, I'm surprised I'm still here, too. Sometimes I think it would have been easier to follow a more "normal" path and yet I think I was created for the way I'm living now, so perhaps it would have been harder to stay home.

It's not that I haven't been offered "real" jobs back home. I could have gotten pastoral positions there. I've had offers. I give 100 percent to everything I do, and people have noticed. I was even offered a part-time paid position in a local church here recently. This would have increased my monthly support 50 percent. It was tempting but God is speaking something else right now.

Sometimes people think I don't live in the real world because I don't have a typical job. But my job has all the normal job amenities of other jobs, including administration, paper work, people problems and politics! :) What my job isn't is routine. What my job isn't is BORING. What I do is never "just another day." I will give them that much.

As I have been looking at the possibility of leaving Berlin, I find myself fairly nostalgic. I love this city. This city that has ripped out my guts and drawn from me my very blood and tears. This city that has swallowed me whole and spit me out and thrown me around like a wave on the ocean. This city that has blown through me like a rushing wind and dried me out like a tumbleweed in the desert. This city, Berlin. How I will miss it's extremeness.

Somehow I feel an ownership in the city. It's been mine. Berlin.

When I came to Berlin, I had no idea how long I would be here. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had a thought of "3-5 years" but I was willing to stay forever. I was surprised how long it took to get used to everything. My whole lifestyle changed. Everything slowed down. The world seemed smaller even though the city was bigger. People thought in smaller terms. In YWAM people talk about the world and nations. Here in this city, we talk about our districts and communities and churches. It was a smaller scope, a smaller playing field.

When I came here, YWAM was not around. The structures have followed me here and I'm glad. It's been nice to have more of my people around me. To bring back the bigger perspective within this diverse environment.

So now, after three and a half years in the city, I am facing the possibilities of more changes. And a part of me wonders as my dad did... will I get tired of this?

Do you grow out of faith? Is there a point where we are supposed to say: I'm older and wiser and I don't need to be in faith now. This kind of thinking was for the young but now that I am almost 40, I should grow up and be more responsible...

I mean, I understand this thinking! If I made decisions based on finances, I would have gone home a long time ago. if I made decisions based on my monthly financial support, I would never travel. If I made decisions based on how much emotional and spiritual help I get here, I would do nothing! Berlin is a dry land.

But am I supposed to grow out of this lifestyle? Is it the lifestyle or the principle that underpins what I am doing? Is it YWAM life or missionary life or is it a lifestyle of faith? I can grow out of YWAM or missionary life but is that the issue? Should I ever "get practical" or "realistic" about life. Should I grow out of the flexibility of being willing to stay in faith?

How old was Abraham when he pursued his inheritance in a foreign land? Was his thinking irresponsible? Was it practical? Maybe not to our human thinking. Especially if we are seeking a city made by men or the comforts of this life. If we want a cushy life then maybe he was irresponsible.

But what was his goal?

Abraham was 75 when he lived as foreigner in lands until he was 175. That's a long run of not seeing much. And yet Abraham is the father of faith.

There is something there for us. There is something of the heart of God in his story. There is a lesson of obedience and trust that surpasses our practicality. Abraham, who is the father of us all, is our example of faith and trust in God.

We live in a very practical age where we look to our pocket books to make decisions. We look to our job security. We look to make for ourselves a nice happy nest and home. I understand this thinking. I've had a taste of this while living in Berlin though compared to the standard of living I left in San Jose, this is but a shadow.

A friend of mine was telling me how God prepared her husband to lose his job. He had this overwhelming thirst for more of God's presence and began to draw closer to Him. He repented from a cold heart and was enjoying incredible intimacy with God. Then he lost his job and got a new one with less money. But it didn't shake him up at all. He was in faith. He had Jesus. He had everything he needed. Even when the couple found out they had to move and size down, they were joyful. God was there.

In the end, what city are we building? Are we in faith as Abraham was in faith? Without faith it is impossible to please God. We can look good and sound good and do a lot of good things but if it is not combined with faith it does not please God at all. God's thinking is beyond following the rules and being a good person. He requires that we live as Abraham did, in obedience and trust...and yes, sometimes not walking by sight at all.

I guess it's knowing...even when I don't know where I'm going and what the future will look like... I trust God. He is there. And I will obey step by step, even if I don't have the final destination in mind. God knows even when I don't. God says, "Take my hand, let me lead" and I follow not knowing the destination but trusting that whatever it looks like, God is good. And then, and only then, I am going to city that is not built by human hands. That is the city whose architect is God.

I never want to grow out of that.

Heb 11:8 By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going.

Heb 11:9 By faith he lived as an alien in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, fellow heirs of the same promise;

Heb 11:10 for he was looking for the city which has foundations, whose architect and builder is God.

Heb 11:11 By faith even Sarah herself received ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised.

Heb 11:12 Therefore there was born even of one man, and him as good as dead at that, as many descendants AS THE STARS OF HEAVEN IN NUMBER, AND INNUMERABLE AS THE SAND WHICH IS BY THE SEASHORE.

Heb 11:13 All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.